Marriage and Quarantine

I’m Joni Eareckson Tada and I have a personal word to you couples who live with disability, especially during this hard season of quarantine. And it’s hard. Ken and I have always believed that confines and restrictions are God’s way of revealing the stuff of which we are made. And it’s not pretty.

The first week of isolation back in March had me wheeling over my husband’s toes in the confines of our home. Short fuses, bruised feelings, sharp words, and cold shoulders became almost commonplace that first week of sheltering in place. Ken Tada and I quickly realized that if we were going to survive the pandemic, we had to get a grip on what God wanted out of us during isolation.   

So, we chose a theme for our isolation. And we repeat it to each other, James 1:12, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life to those who love him.”

Outwitting this strange virus, at least within our home, meant persevering.  

The first week of April found Ken and me confessing our shortcomings to one another, agreeing to extend mercy. We decided to make a few spiritual disciplines part of our new routine. So, every morning after I get up in my wheelchair, Ken and I are at the kitchen table, praying for others we know in similar situations, and we are doing the “Read the Bible in a Year” program. In the second week of isolation, we memorized Psalm 51. We have to keep each other accountable. Most of all, every time an irritation caused a flareup? We’d take a deep breath and remind each other to honor Jesus Christ with our responses. Simple words like “you’re right and I’m wrong; would you forgive me?” became part of our everyday vocabulary.  

By the third and fourth week of isolation, we began to tire. Every new government directive shifted the finish line, and the end now seemed nowhere in sight. We had to cut down on more caregivers which, in turn, put a greater burden on Ken.  

One afternoon, he confessed, “Joni, I don’t think I can take this anymore. Helping with your toileting routines? Getting up to turn you at night? I feel so tired, so weary.” Now, there have been times in years past when I would have snapped back, “You think you are tired and weary? How about me?!” But when I remembered that new discipline we started, I thought about keeping a short list.  My response was “Oh, hon, I don’t blame you one bit. If I were you doing all this caregiving, I’d feel the same way. So, I’m going to do all I can to make things as easy as possible.”  

Yes, most others are coming up and out of quarantine. But because of my disability, Ken and I are going to be “stuck together” in this house for who knows how long.

So, let me share practical tips that will help you in your marriage.   

First, read the Bible together. Pray together. You don’t feel like doing that? Do it anyway. Your spouse doesn’t want to participate? Do it anyway. Start praying scripture over your spouse, and for your marriage. Start with Ephesians.  Pray that the eyes of your heart will be opened to the hope you have, the riches and the power… pray this way.   

Next, agree that you both will drive each other up the wall. There will be bruised feelings, unmet expectations, words that wound, selfish choices, evil eyes, cold shoulders, and snide, snarky remarks. Admit it. You’re a sinner. And admit it to each other. But also promise to keep short lists. You will ask for forgiveness. You will say you are sorry and work to make things better. You will give each other space. During this quarantine, I have pretty much had frozen food. But I’m not about to complain because Ken is my caregiver right now and he shouldn’t have to be the chief cook and bottle washer without at least me making things as easy as possible.   

Lastly, enjoy new habits together. Ken and I have made friends with a few backyard birds that we’ve come to know well. Every day, we just spend time sitting and watching; tossing crumbs to our feathered visitors. We have also gotten to know the names of our mailman and UPS or Amazon delivery guy… Ken always keeps a couple of ice-cold Cokes handy to give to these men, along with a word of blessing.   

As we press forward in this social distancing season, do not allow the devil to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. He’d love nothing more than to cause a rift between couples.

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus.”

Hebrews 12:1

Do these disciplines now… run the race with perseverance… you will get through it. And Lord willing, you’ll get through it, all the better for this strange, unprecedented time in all our lives.   

–Joni Eareckson Tada