Building Community in an Age of Isolation

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Never a truer word has been spoken, if people’s eagerness to gather again in public spaces is any indication. Our time apart from one another during this coronavirus pandemic has revealed the value of relationships. But without the ability to meet for coffee, go for a jog together, attend a small group Bible study, or host a game night at your house, the normal avenues of cultivating community just aren’t available to us.

While most of our activities have adapted and moved online, our mission remains the same. All believers are tasked to “go make disciples.” It’s not just the mission of ministry leaders, but as leaders we are uniquely tasked with creating an environment where relationships form and discipleship can occur.

C.S. Lewis writes in his book The Four Loves that friendship begins when two people look at one another and say, “You, too?” While our special needs ministries and parent groups might initially form because of a common experience with disability, we need to create opportunities for relationships to deepen. In the early stages, relational closeness is either waxing or waning. Friendships with deep roots can stay strong without much contact, but those relationships are few and far between. Developing relationships of that caliber during a pandemic is not easy.

As pastor and author Scott Sauls points out in his book Befriend, while friendships begin because of a common interest or experience, a shared love for God helps mature relationships into “reciprocal transparency, vulnerability, love, and loyalty.” When we center our relationships on a mutual pursuit of God, friendships can flourish and form even between people who would otherwise never naturally become friends. Vulnerability, apart from a mutual pursuit of God, can quickly devolve into complaining. This is the failing of many support groups that, rather than cultivate God-centered friendships and responses to struggles, only provide a platform for people to air their grievances.

“Vulnerable reciprocity” comes from a mutual pursuit of God in the day-to-day of life.

The challenge of screen-to-screen relationships (as opposed to face-to-face) is that reciprocity is much harder to come by. One of the key challenges in “digital friendship” is that people are used to being consumers of digital content, not participants.

(Click here for a one-page sheet with tips for running successful Zoom meetings.)

The shift from a consumer to a participant mentality will not happen naturally. It needs to be taught. Otherwise, our church’s digital content will likely be thought of as entertainment. Are your “fun” Zoom calls going to be more entertaining than whatever is on Netflix or Hulu? Is your church’s teaching always going to be more compelling than someone’s favorite podcast? With many families facing the reality of school, work, and church being online for the foreseeable future, you need to have a strong reason for why they should come to your virtual church gatherings prepared to participate.

Though good teaching from the Bible and quality worship are important for every church, there is something unique about the value of a local church. When it’s just as easy to tune in to a church service 3,000 miles away as it is the church three blocks away, we need to remember what makes the local church uniquely valuable and essential.

The unique value in local, Christ-centered churches is relationships.

Would it surprise you to learn that the Apostle Paul understands our present reality better than we think? In Colossians 2:1-5 (ESV) Paul writes,

“For I want you to know how great a struggle I have for you and for those at Laodicea and for all who have not seen me face to face, that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I say this in order that no one may delude you with plausible arguments. For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.”

Paul was ministering from a distance. The occasion for many of his letters was his inability to be present with a congregation he had discipled and taught. His example shows us relationships can be built from a distance. While maintaining existing relationships is easier than forming new relationships during a pandemic, both are possible.

For disability ministry leaders, it can be discouraging to see decreasing numbers of attendees on our virtual meetings. If we are (even implicitly) positioning our virtual meetings as something to be consumed, we are likely to continue to bleed participants. If we can recontextualize virtual meetings for ourselves and those in our ministries, we stand a good chance of growing, both numerically and spiritually, during COVID-19.

So how do we make our virtual gatherings more relational?

1. Limit group sizes.

Studies show that groups with 10 or more people inadvertently prevent everyone from participating. Groups of 5-9 strike a balance between the vulnerability of a one-on-one conversation and the anonymity of a larger group. Digital platforms like Zoom allow for “breakout rooms,” where organizers can sort people from a large group into smaller, more manageable group sizes.

2. Minimize how many people they must look at.

While the host should have the gallery on to see everyone at a glance, participants experience less fatigue and are less overwhelmed when the person speaking takes up the bulk of their screen. When people have their own video visible, watching themselves is a hard habit to break. In Zoom, participants can right-click and “hide myself,” making it more like a regular conversation. Participants should avoid seeing themselves and rarely see more than just the person speaking.

3. Ask, “Could this have been an email?”

Most everyone who has worked in an office has at some point asked themselves, “Couldn’t this meeting have been an email?” Because of the sheer number of digital interactions everyone is experiencing, making all your digital meetings meaningful, filling, and uplifting is crucial.

4. Create physical touchpoints whenever possible.

Dropping off or having families pick up care packages can create physical touch points. For kids, especially, having something physical they can share and show off on video calls creates a stronger sense of connection. For adults and parents, get creative!

5. Have grace for yourself.

This is not normal. This is not how things are supposed to be. When things don’t go 100% smoothly, it is not an indictment on your abilities or skill set. Give yourself room to fail and grow. You don’t have to be an expert on everything technological!

And above all, pray!

Remember that ministry, discipleship, and even the supernatural community known as the church are all works of God! Remember that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion” (Philippians 1:6, NIV).

If you’re a ministry leader, you don’t have to figure these things out alone. To find out about local Joni and Friends church networks in your area (or a virtual one you can join!), email [email protected].